


where do we go?

by jonesyslug



Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Confessions, First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28382370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonesyslug/pseuds/jonesyslug
Summary: Johnny and Dallas share their thoughts and concerns under the moonlight and find that they have more in common than either knew they could believe.
Relationships: Johnny Cade/Dallas Winston
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	where do we go?

**Author's Note:**

> The recommended listening for this fic is when the party's over by Billie Eilish. The piano and the vocal layering are especially beautiful, in my opinion.

Dallas Winston walked down the street, only the slight, pale glow of the moon and the orange, flickering street lights, spread far apart, showing him where he was going. 

He picked his teeth with his switchblade as casually as one would with a toothpick. He sheathed it, pulled out a cigarette, and lit up.

He didn't hear anyone around, but that didn't matter. Being tough wasn't a facade, no sir, it wasn't a jacket he could take on and off, it was a tattoo on his heart. 

He rounded the corner, and on his walk he hadn't been completely mentally present that he was headed to Johnny Cade's house and not Buck's. Drinking did that to him sometimes. He'd wind up wherever he'd been thinking about instead of where he meant to go.

He heard a crash in the house and a light went out. Someone had broken a lamp. Probably used Johnny's head to do it, too. 

Dallas sighed and sat down on the curb in front of the house. He knew he could end this whole thing, and quick, too. A few choice moves with his blade, a few choice words from his mouth, and Johnny's dad would be the one living in fear every day and jumping at shadows. 

But that was the most twisted thing of all… if he did it, Johnny would never forgive him. 

When the rusted screen door creaks open and finally spits Johnny out into the cold night air, he leans against the house for a minute, catching his breath. When it looks like he's about to break down crying, Dally whistles. 

Johnny's head shoots up and he wipes at his face quickly, not wanting anyone to see him cry. Especially not Dallas. And he knows that whistle. It was what Dallas did to get his attention when yelling "Hey, Kid!" wouldn't work. 

Dally sits there in a cloud of smoke, and between his pale skin and white blond hair, Johnny thinks he looks like he's glowing. A star that fell to this miserable bit of earth. 

The thought makes his face hot. He's always thinking things like that about Dally and he's not sure why. 

Johnny puts a shaking hand on the railing and carefully makes his way down the front steps. 

Dally notices he's wincing as he walks over. He's trying so hard not to but he must have bruised ribs. Dally looks away, playing with his lighter, to give Johnny time to make his way over without trying to look tough about it. 

He knew Johnny was tough. He didn't have anything to prove. But he was always trying anyway. 

Johnny sat down, shivering, and Dally didn't stare at his busted lip. He simply got out his flask, took a small swig, and offered it to Johnny. 

Johnny shook his head. 

"Go on, I can't stand to see you shiverin' like that." 

"Really, Dally, I don't want it." He said, pushing it back towards him. 

Dallas felt sort of funny when Johnny's palm wrapped around his fingers to push the bottle away. He didn't say anything, instead he just tucked it back in his pocket. 

He put two cigarettes in his mouth, lit them, and held one out for Johnny. Johnny gladly took it with a shaking hand. 

Had his hand been shaking before? Dallas didn't think so, but… 

He put it out of his mind. The kid was just shaken up like he always was after his pop hit him.

Dally noticed Johnny was staring at him. He must have been thinking about something real hard, because he was doing a French inhale. Johnny could never do those if he was thinking about it, but when he was all caught up in his mind, it came naturally. 

"Dally… I don't know how long I can keep this up." 

Dally looked at him full on now, heart pounding like this was about him somehow. Like he was transparent in the deep darkness of Johnny's eyes. 

"Keep what up?" Dally asked, managing to keep the shake out of his voice. 

"Livin' like this. I'd… I'd rather be dead." Johnny looked down at his feet as he flicked some ash off his cigarette. 

Panic flooded Dally, and like everything, it was going to come out all as anger and he couldn't do that to Johnny when he was so fresh off a beating. 

Dallas balled his hand into a fist and pressed it into the grit of the gravel. 

"You're not-" Dally started, but it wasn't sure how that would finish. "Don't go saying that stuff around me. I could fix it all for ya and- but ya don't let anyone help ya with it. So don't go talkin' about dying because of it in front of me, 'cause it hurts." 

Dally swallowed hard. He hadn't meant that last part to slip out past his sternum. He was usually so good at keeping it all in, but just him and Johnny under the moonlight- he couldn't imagine what he'd do without Johnny. He felt like he should tell him, even if he thought he already knew. 

"I'm sorry, Dally." Johnny said, quietly. "I don't understand it either." 

He thought of all the things Dally could and would do to protect him, but he couldn't stomach it. He didn't know why he put up with it, why he hoped and hoped that one day it'd be different, and it never was. He didn't know how he'd always keep hoping even when he felt hopeless like this. 

He scooted closer to Dally. "'M cold." He mumbled. 

Dally threw an arm over Johnny's shoulders and held him like he was the only person in the world.

When he was alone with Dally, sometimes it did feel like they were the only people in the world. And it scared him and emboldened him at the same time. 

He wanted something, he just wasn't sure exactly what or why or how to get it.

Dally was sure not to hold on too tight. He learned that a few times before. You'd never know where Johnny had bruises. 

On top of that, there was a desperation not to seem eager, lonely, wanting. The things he only felt when it came to Johnny. 

Johnny finished his cigarette, then squashed the butt under his sneaker. He'd smoked it down real fast. Dally wasn't even halfway done with his. 

"If I ran away, would you come with me?" Johnny asked quietly, almost like he didn't want Dally to hear. 

Dally leaned down, trying to get Johnny to meet his eyes, but the closer he got to Johnny's face, the wider Johnny's eyes got, more trained on his shoes, and his breath shuddered a bit. 

"Of course." Dallas said, without any sap or sentiment around the edges. It was implied by the simple act of agreeing. 

Johnny's hand flexed and then he rested it on his knee. 

"Dallas?" 

Dally blinked at him. It was rare for Johnny to call him that. It worried him. He swallowed hard. 

"Yeah, Johnnycakes?" 

Johnny chewed on the inside of his cheek for a second, then carefully let out each syllable of his sentence, making sure it sounded as sincere as it was. 

"You look real pretty in the moonlight." 

Johnny's gaze shot up, scared and questioning. 

_ Was that okay? Am I in trouble? Are you going to clobber me now? Do you hate me because of this?  _

Dally took a deep breath out his nose. Johnny couldn't breathe. 

"I think you look real pretty all the time." Dally whispered, brushing Johnny's bangs out of his eyes. 

Johnny's face got hot and he turned away. 

Johnny opened his mouth to say something, but Dally caught his chin and turned his face gently. 

"I'm not makin' fun." He said, seriously. "I wouldn't do that to ya." 

Johnny blinked at him. "What are we s'pposed to do, then?" 

Dally knew what he meant. What the scared knot in his stomach was that he resented so much. It had been there most of his life but it had gotten so much worse once he'd met Johnny Cade. 

The big, wide world sat on his shoulders, reminding him… there were places in New York where you could be like that without  _ too  _ many people hassling you, but here? He had no idea if anyone had even dared to try. 

He put it all out of his mind for a moment, he just wanted a moment, and it was dark, and they were alone, and no one would know.

So he kissed him. He kissed him softer and with more meaning than he'd ever kissed a girl. And it felt different and it felt the same. It felt better and he wasn't sure if it felt better because he'd always wanted to try this or because it was Johnny, his Johnny, who he cared about enough to die for, in a world where he didn't give much of a shit about anyone or anything. 

Johnny pulled Dally by the lapels, holding him close, but not letting his hands roam. He was still, even in the midst of a kiss that he'd wanted and waited for, scared of himself. Of desire. 

Dally felt a little smug, the way Johnny kissed him back with passion. Johnny was so constantly guarded, Dally felt like he'd won some big prize. 

Dally had seen Johnny kiss a girl before. The knot in his stomach had gotten hot and jealous but he didn't let on. He didn't remember exactly, but the girl seemed to be doing most of the kissing while Johnny floundered awkwardly. 

Dally hadn't seen him with a girl after that. 

Now they were here, and he knew, he knew, he knew, Johnny wanted this and it made him feel some kind of light feeling in his heart that he'd never felt before. 

Johnny pulled back, breathing heavily. "I love you Dallas." He whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I love you." 

Dally put his hands on Johnny's cheeks and leaned their foreheads together. "You ain't got nothing to apologize for, Johnny." 

Johnny nodded slightly, solemnly. Dally leaned back and looked him in the eyes. 

"No, no, I love you too." He said, to those big, fearful eyes. 

Johnny closed his eyes and there was a small, peaceful smile on his face. He could die happy, now. Dallas Winston loved him. 

"Let's run away, Johnny." Dallas said. "I know I got a rap sheet in New York but maybe- dunno, I've heard some things about California, maybe…" 

Johnny looked over his shoulder at his house. 

_ Don't leave me  _ now,  _ Johnny… _

"California is nice and warm. You wouldn't be cold all the time." Dally said, pushing Johnny's hair out of his face. 

"C'mon, look at me, Johnny." 

Johnny turned back slowly. He put a hand over Dally's and leaned into the touch. 

"California is a long way away. No one would ever find us." Johnny said. 

Dally thought that was the point, but Johnny said it like it was a bad thing. 

Johnny breathed in slowly. He didn't want to think past this moment, yet. Him in the dark with his fallen star. Just love, and it could be simple for a moment. Hardly anything in his life was simple, even for a second. 

"Dally just be here." He whispered. "Please." 

It sounded apologetic. Mournful, even. 

Dally opened his mouth but Johnny stopped him from speaking by placing a gentle kiss on his lips. "Ask me again when we're older, Dally. I'll be ready, then." 

Dally's disappointment smoldered like anger behind his eyes, but Johnny knew the difference. 

"I'm sorry." He whispered, tucking Dally's hair behind his ear. "I should be ready, but I'm not. You know every time I run away I- I-" 

"You come back." Dally finished for him, with a stony tone and stonier expression. 

"I do love you Dallas Winston. But in a lot of ways, I'm still just a kid." 

Dally nodded. He gently grabbed the wrist of Johnny's hand that was playing with his hair, and kissed his palm. 

Johnny felt his heart jump and flutter. 

"I can't go with you to California yet but… I can run away with you tonight, Dally." He leaned his head onto Dally's shoulder. He wanted to fall asleep in the one place he knew he'd feel safe: in Dally's arms. 

Dally wrapped his arms around Johnny to stop him shivering. Johnny hadn't even noticed the cold. 

Dally hated the feeling in his lungs, that he wanted to cry. That he'd had everything and lost it. One good hand couldn't beat a full house. Why did Johnny have to care so much about this place, these people? Why'd he want to keep waiting for the day when his dad would throw a ball around with him instead of throwing a punch? Couldn't he see as well as everyone else that it wasn't gonna happen? 

Maybe it wasn't just his parents. He had school and the gang and Dally supposed he wasn't ready to leave all that yet, not really. For as much as he talked about wanting out, getting out was scary. Dally knew that. 

Dally stood and held his hand out to Johnny. 

"I know a way to Buck's where no one will see us. Ain't nobody gonna bother us there. You can hold onto me if you want."

Johnny nodded and stood. He took Dallas' hand. He felt his heart was heavy like metal, knowing this moment would end, but his feet were light because he belonged to it in this moment. 

He belonged to Dally and Dally belonged to him, and maybe someday they'd be able to walk like this with the sun shining down on them, instead of the moon between the leaves. 

But Johnny had to admit there was beauty in it.

Dally held onto him tighter than he thought he would, like he was scared he was dreaming and it'd all slip away. Johnny wondered if Dally did ever dream about him. 

He raised their joined hands and kissed the back of Dally's.

Dally smiled down at him and it was the most beautiful thing. He wanted to live inside that smile. 

He'd cherish that smile for the rest of his life. 

His last breathing thought would be that smile. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I'd appreciate a comment, even if its just an emote. Peace & Love - Jonsey
> 
> So, my dirty confession...
> 
> This fic was loosely inspired by the album WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? by Billie Eilish. I switched the song every few paragraphs and if you're familiar with the album you might be able to pick out which songs went where...
> 
> Edit: leave a comment for the love of g-d im dying


End file.
